THE GREATEST CATHEDRAL ON EARTH

    Anyone who does not believe in the Source Of All That Exists cannot have visited Carlsbad Caverns. In my estimation it is one of the seven wonders of the world. From the slow mile long plunge into the bowels of this splendiferous cave my grin was ceaseless as chills sprang up and down my arms. The doors opened at 8:30 this morning and I was there to hike the steep trail, alone and in complete silence. Magnificent! My imagination conjured up Jim White, the 16 year old cowboy who repelled ninety feet into the mouth of the bat cave in complete darkness to begin this awesome treasure's journey of discovery. What a brave man! Through the drip, drip of the seeping water that creates the stalactite, stalagmite, columns and draperies of stone, I encountered the spirits of those who have gone before. As I paused in the fairyland of the Big Room I wondered if JRR Tolkien experienced Carlsbad before writing The Hobbit, for I had been transported to the entrance to Middle Earth. As my imagination bloomed, the stalagmite morphed into devout parishioners prostrate to their Creator, and suddenly I realized I was in the greatest cathedral on earth. I couldn't help but wonder if Gaudi had visited this treasure before designing the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona, for the owner of this house of worship is the greatest master architect of them all.

One quick sidebar. Does anyone know how to whisper anymore? The ranger's rules, reviewed at the entrance for every individual to hear, includes the need to whisper within the cave, but invariably several ingrates blared their voices in full volume and reverberated their thoughts from every nook and cranny for all to hear. My favorite was the group of young women with British accents, whose flip flops and mouths passed me by going 90 miles a minute. I wondered if they even saw the magnificence before them. But I forced my consciousness back to center, for the surroundings dictated my reverence, and I paused until the voices faded in the shadows so I could continue to absorb the grandeur before me. Then I prayed for the hundredth time, "Thank you, God!"

DANCING THE DANCE OF UNWORTHINESS

    I feel like egg is splattered across my face......oh wait, that's not yolk.......that's embarrassment. Of course, after the initial red faced reaction dissipates the obsession arrives, taking me hostage. I hate being a prisoner of my own mind. That's why I'm now scurrying to devise an escape plan. Step one of my strategy? Analyze my embarrassment to find the root cause of my discomfort. So I whip out my handy dandy shovel and begin to dig. First find? Embarrassment isn't the culprit after all, at least not the simple kind, like the way I felt when I fell crossing the street and skinned my knee in front of a row of traffic a few months ago. But there is a bandit emotion fuelling my uneasiness. So the excavation continues and soon another emotion pokes its ugly head from beneath the dirt. It's name? Shame........ Ah I should have known. Shame, one of several frequent visitors to my psyche. For decades this slimy emotion has been checking in, like a judgmental in-law who stops by on a regular basis to point out the dust bunnies under my bed. Once identified I realize I'm not done for there's another emotions still missing. So I haul out the backhoe and dig further, searching for shame's frequent companion. What treasure do I find? Shame's co-joined twin, unworthiness. All my uneasiness, all my obsession, all my relentless mind chatter have been fueled by one thing.......my fear of being worthless. Where did this disgusting emotion originate? Not absolutely sure but it's been my companion for as far back as I can remember. Not being good enough and not being loveable hang like weights at the bottom of most of my fears. And with each mistake I make, the emotion changes, like an actor changing its costume in order to confuse me. But if I dig long enough and deep enough, it usually appears......in its slippery disguise, waiting to pounce upon me. And where do all these emotions, all these thoughts, and all this discomfort come from? One mistake, one error in judgment, one moment of choking.....chocking at a time when competence was needed but was missing in action. And so the dance of unworthiness continues....Hopefully someday I'll learn a new dance.

 

OUT IN THE WEST TEXAS TOWN OF EL PASO

    "Out in the west Texas town of El Paso...." El Paso, that's my town, for the next 5 weeks at least. It's a beautiful city.....sitting quietly at the base of the Franklin and Juarez Mountains, on the banks of the Rio Grande. With its south of the border charm stirred with a hint of Americano, it has a unique flavor all its own. Friday night a group of my new friends and I went downtown to the plaza to enjoy its riches. From April to September the city provides free concerts every Friday night. Packed to the brim with a rainbow of people, we were all eager to visit and dance and relax from a hard week of work. At the same time, a wonderful classic film festival was in full swing, with hordes of movie buffs satiated for 2 weeks with classics ranging from The African Queen to The Last Picture Show and culminating in the outdoor showing of Airplane on the plaza after the concert. We look forward to next week, when the city presents free movies at the amphitheater in the canyon, that will run through the end of September. What a glorious place to be in the summertime. The people are friendly and never seem to let the heat stop them, as they head out to enjoy life to the fullest. What a delightful surprise, this little Texas gem in the middle of the desert on the border of Mexico and New Mexico. I hope someday you are afforded the opportunity to visit this hidden treasure out in nowhere land West Texas and enjoy its bounty. In the meantime here's a link to the famous song about love found and love lost in El Paso. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hn3JB51NH_M

 

CHANGE OF ATTITUDE

    Sometimes I wonder how my life got to where it is. For one thing, I'm exhausted so I have to take anything I'm feeling with a grain of salt. I've been going non-stop for the past two months and today is the first day I had nothing planned except to go swimming. Then the phone rang and I found out I was supposed to be somewhere I didn't know I was supposed to be and I had 45 minutes to get there. Luckily another person agreed to take my place but still the whole situation unnerved me. It was then that I began to feel depressed and lonely. One thought, "why am I here?" started a downward spiral. How easily I can be swayed to go one way or another in my feelings. But the good news is that I don't like to feel depressed so I had to ask myself, "Why am I feeling depressed?" And the answer? Because I'm not really sure how my life got to where it is today. A real conundrum. Yet if I go backwards I can tell you the steps I took to get where I am right now. It all started with Gary dying. In 1989 I married Gary and believed I would be married for the rest of my life. Wrong...... Now five years after Gary's death I am alone in El Paso working a job I truly enjoy but where I don't know anyone. Oh, I don't mean this to sound pathetic, I'm just philosophically trying to figure out how I got here. I never wanted to be alone, nor do I especially like being single. But here I am. So what's the solution? One solution is to find myself a man.....easier said than done......but a possibility. Another solution is to change my attitude and be happy with being alone and single....again easier said than done....but also possible. Or I could just find a companion, whether male or female, to live with and at lease I won't be alone....again easier said than done.....but also possible. So which solution shall I choose? Not sure.....but for now I'll change my attitude and see what happens. I'll keep you posted.