DANCING THE DANCE OF UNWORTHINESS

    I feel like egg is splattered across my face......oh wait, that's not yolk.......that's embarrassment. Of course, after the initial red faced reaction dissipates the obsession arrives, taking me hostage. I hate being a prisoner of my own mind. That's why I'm now scurrying to devise an escape plan. Step one of my strategy? Analyze my embarrassment to find the root cause of my discomfort. So I whip out my handy dandy shovel and begin to dig. First find? Embarrassment isn't the culprit after all, at least not the simple kind, like the way I felt when I fell crossing the street and skinned my knee in front of a row of traffic a few months ago. But there is a bandit emotion fuelling my uneasiness. So the excavation continues and soon another emotion pokes its ugly head from beneath the dirt. It's name? Shame........ Ah I should have known. Shame, one of several frequent visitors to my psyche. For decades this slimy emotion has been checking in, like a judgmental in-law who stops by on a regular basis to point out the dust bunnies under my bed. Once identified I realize I'm not done for there's another emotions still missing. So I haul out the backhoe and dig further, searching for shame's frequent companion. What treasure do I find? Shame's co-joined twin, unworthiness. All my uneasiness, all my obsession, all my relentless mind chatter have been fueled by one thing.......my fear of being worthless. Where did this disgusting emotion originate? Not absolutely sure but it's been my companion for as far back as I can remember. Not being good enough and not being loveable hang like weights at the bottom of most of my fears. And with each mistake I make, the emotion changes, like an actor changing its costume in order to confuse me. But if I dig long enough and deep enough, it usually appears......in its slippery disguise, waiting to pounce upon me. And where do all these emotions, all these thoughts, and all this discomfort come from? One mistake, one error in judgment, one moment of choking.....chocking at a time when competence was needed but was missing in action. And so the dance of unworthiness continues....Hopefully someday I'll learn a new dance.