LISTENING TO MY GUT

    I changed my mind this week because I listened to my gut. It was telling me the decision I was about to make wasn't right. It's about the house I made an offer on. I was so caught up in finding a place, and so disappointed that most of the condo associations in south Florida don't allow big dogs that I started searching for a house. There's only one problem with that: I really don't want a house. I had a house 2 years ago and I sold it because I was tired of the maintenance (even having to hire someone to maintain it is a hassle). Plus I want someplace where I have access to a pool so that I can swim. I'm a mermaid, I love to swim. But I ignored my true wants and went looking for a house in a neighborhood I liked, not far from the beach. Unfortunately, in my price range many of the houses in that area are not in very good shape. Finally, I found a cute little house in decent shape and decided to buy it. Forgetting I don't want a house I proceeded to talk myself into it by seeing myself in the house, riding my bike to the beach, writing out on the lanai and ignoring that fact it doesn't have a pool and there isn't one nearby. I offered a price anyway. They countered, I countered back and I was sure we were on the path to success when a strange thing happened. The owner got angry at me for my counter offer and decided she didn't want to sell to me. It surprised me because I thought this was the house I was supposed to buy. But she did me a huge favor. She gave me time to think. And when I did I realized I was countering and hesitating and feeling ambivalent about everything (not just the house). I didn't know why. That's when I took the time necessary to ask myself the most important question in this situation: what do I really want. I listened to my gut. I listened to my higher self. I listened to my Source. Then I talked it out with my sisters. Here's what I heard: I don't want a house. I want a place where I can close it up and a leave for long periods of time and not have to worry about it, except maybe a friend stopping by occasionally to make sure it is okay. I want access to a pool but I don't want to have to maintain a pool. I want to be close enough to the beach to ride my bike. That is not this house. It's not any house. So I'm back to the drawing board, searching for the perfect condo that fits all my criteria. I know it is out there. I trust that I will find it. It is just a matter of time. All I have to do is keep trusting my gut.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

    Sisters. I'm listening to them talk right now. There is something very comforting about being with people who've known you since you were born. Of course they also know your foibles. But luckily with my sisters they normally ignore my warts and love me for just who I am. Unconditional love, the love that most mothers give to their children. The love that says, yes, I might not agree with your behavior but I will love you no matter what. That's what my sisters do for me, love me no matter what. So right now I'm going to finish this blog so I can get back to being unconditionally loved. And I will try to remember that the Divine Parent loves me unconditionally every moment in my day. Ah!

FOG

    The fog is so thick this morning I feel like I fell into a bowl of soup. The weather indicator says the visibility is 1.5 miles, but in what part of the beach I don't know. Here I can barely see to the end of the street. But I can hear the surf. Sound seems to travel farther when the humidity is high. I'm not very scientific so I don't know if that is reality or just my perception. Of course everything is damp. I let the dog out for a few minutes and had to rub her down with a towel before I brought her back in. Water drips from the eaves and gathers in puddles on the windows. It is warm too. 70 degrees when I woke up this morning. This is not a phenomenon that happens very often in Colorado, and never this damp. I'm glad I'm in Florida for I love the fog. It tells me the Gulf is near. It tells me there is more water than I'll ever need here. I love the fog, the way it hangs over the palm trees and permeates the air is somehow comforting, as if the Source of all things is surrounding me and keeping me safe. As if the thick moist air is God's arms caressing me, holding me, telling me all is well. It reminds me that though I can't know the future I can trust that all will be well. Fog is my metaphor for love, for I know I am surrounded by and consumed with Source's love. I need not stress or worry, for love conquers all. In the fog of life, as in the love of Source, I am safe.

ASKING FOR HELP

What is fear? In the true sense of the word it is the fight or flight mechanism in our human body that activates when we think we are in danger. But all too often, in my body, it is a thought of something less than positive happening out in the future. A projection of “what if,” that sets off this feeling in the pit of my stomach, which rises into my throat, similar to what I’m feeling currently because I made an offer on a house. Anytime I start the home buying process I set off that crazy fight or flight mechanism in my body from the distorted thoughts that I’m going to be penniless, homeless and have to ask for help. The latter being my biggest fear. Although for many years I thought my fears around money stemmed from being homeless and starving to death. But in all honesty, I can’t even imagine that happening because I know that my family and friends will feed and shelter me if I am in dire straits. So it is really this potential generosity which is at the root of any financial fears I may have. Because in my head, asking for help means admitting defeat and admitting defeat means that I am weak and being weak means I’m not good enough and then my critic says, “See, I told you, you weren’t good enough.” Sound familiar? But these are old tapes that were either taught to me, implied to me or just plain misunderstood by me when I was a young child. And tho’ I’m an adult and know that I am good enough and that asking for help does not equate to weakness, I still feel inadequate when I do, like there is something wrong with me. So just in the act of putting an offer on the table to buy a house has activated my subconscious brain to project forward into the future and find me in the pit of despair where I am penniless, homeless, and having to ask for help. The good news is I know this is one of my patterns of fear and I can talk myself out of it fairly quickly. But still, over the next few weeks, until the whole process is complete and I have started living with my new mortgage and can see that I am able to make my payments and still survive, I will feel that stomach rising up into my throat on a regular basis. Ain’t those ol’ patterns the funniest thing? :)

TURNING MY ENVY INTO TRUST

    I daydream as I sit in the Charlotte, NC airport with a 3 hour layover waiting to board my flight back to Ft. Myers. On the flight down from Denver I started watching the movie Julie and Julia on my Ipod. Not long into the story I found myself extremely envious of the main character, Julie, who started a blog about her experiences creating all the recipes from the Julia Child's French cookbook in one year. The blog attracted thousands of readers and eventually she received a book contract for her efforts. This is a writer's dream and because it is based on a true story, my own envy ensued. I dream daily of that moment when my literary agent (the one I don't have yet) calls me on the phone to say a publisher (wishfully a company on the caliber of HarpersCollins) loves my book, wants to publish it and believes it will be a huge success. So as soon as I realized my envy, I turned to the metaphysical teachings I metaphorically carry around in my back pocket, for they tell me to diligently hold onto the truth that if I continue to step towards my dreams in a positive, loving way, letting go of the specific outcomes, then someday my dreams will come true, maybe not exactly the way I dreamed them, but as good if not better than my little human brain can imagine. So I pause right now and see myself someday in the not too distant future, sitting in my office (which in my daydream is the lanai of my beach house), and step out into my backyard (which is actually the beach on the Gulf of Mexico) to watch the sunset with my significant other, who comes up behind me, puts his arms around me, and tells me how much he loves me (which I willingly reciprocate) and informs me that my literary agent just called to say Harpers wants to publish my fifth book. Isn't that an awesome dream? So my step today is to trust that with each word I write I move closer and closer to the manifestation of this dream. My job right now is to turn the negative thought of envy into the positive thought of trusting the process I know to be true and then just write, talk about it, send out my manuscripts and write some more.

 

Now on a less fun note but still on the subject of manifestations, my heart goes out to the people of Haiti. I appallingly heard someone the other day say that the earthquake did not surprise them considering the political unrest that has plagued that country over the centuries, inferring that these poor, innocent people created this catastrophe. Although I believe that we are co-creators of our realty, and can influence our future by what we think and do, I do not believe we mere humans have that much "power" over mother earth even if every single person on this planet visualized the earthquake at the same time. Gaia is way too powerful and has full control over her own behavior. As any scientist will tell you, earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, and the like, are part of the natural growing process of our planet. They are not God's vindictiveness, or humanity's punishment for wrong doing. Instead, I think of it as Mother Earth going through adolescence or menopause, or something similar to the numerous physical stages we humans experience over a lifetime. So depending on how old you think Mother Earth is (and there is still some debate on that), she is maturing and growing and in doing so, she often creates havoc for the organisms that reside on her skin. The God of my understanding would never intentionally inflect pain and suffering on us, we just are often at the wrong place at the wrong time. Please join me in supporting our suffering fellow travelers on this big blue planet by sending our thoughts, prayers, love and money to help them rebuild their lives.

UPSIDE DOWN

    I realized today I'm not being very faithful to my self-imposed blog deadlines. Hope you don't mind but I have too much crammed into my little brain. Like buying a place to live down here. I looked at several more houses over the last few days and am blurry eyed. I did find a small house today that I will probably place an offer on. The house is dated (much like the woman I met this morning) but is livable while I fix it up and has a nice backyard. I daydreamed of putting a pool in it someday. Who knows! It has been owned by the 89 year old woman I met this morning and her deceased husband since it was built in the 1970's. She spends 4 months down here and the rest in Maryland. She's going back there at the end of March and doesn't plan to return next year. Sad for her, good for me. I'm going the other direction. I'm moving to an area where I intend to live until I die (unless global warming drowns me as the house is about a mile from the Gulf). I'm paying more than I originally planned to pay, but I have a great opportunity to live within walking distance of two beautiful beaches. I realized that because I love being out in nature, walking the beach and riding my bike to shopping, this is the perfect neighborhood. With the prices in the tubes it is currently in my price range. Everyone is predicting it will soon go back up. Hope so. I can see myself living in this house, and overtime I'll update the flooring, buy some Florida style furniture and update the kitchen, but for now it is livable. I probably won't live in it until I return in the fall as the old woman wants to stay there until she goes north at the end of March. So I'll continue to rent the place I'm in until the first of April as I have decided to definitely stay one month longer than originally planned. Then maybe I'll come back in the summer for a short visit to get new flooring put in. If anyone reading this wants a place to stay not far from the beach and help put in flooring let me know. This is Exciting! This is Exhausting! Tomorrow I'm heading back to Denver to work for a few days so that I can afford to buy a place down here. Silly me I'm upside down as I'm supposed to work in the place where I'm buying my house. Maybe next year!

LISTEN FOR GUIDANCE

    The banana tree in the yard where I am renting has numerous brown leaves. It is telling me it doesn't like the cold any more than I do. Tomorrow night even south Florida is predicted to freeze. Luckily today it reached 70, just a teaser for next week's return of warm weather. Right now it is heading back down. But having lived in Colorado for the last 19 years the weather here feels great even when it's in the 50's. I wore shorts today while most Floridians are still in long pants and sweaters. I sat out on the porch in the sun and it felt wonderful. I'm heading back out after I send this. Needless to say this blog will be short.

I think I belong here. The more I stay the less I want to return to Denver. The thought of heading back in March saddens me. I'd say that is a good sign I'm supposed to be here. So I turn myself in that direction and take whatever steps I need to move. Baby steps. That is all the Universe requires of me, to set my intention and move towards it. Of course I need to stop and listen for its guidance. It always comes.    

HIT THE GROUND RUNNING

    I have certainly hit the ground running in the New Year. Friends are visiting from Denver and it has been constant fun activity. My computer hard drive went belly up (which does not bode well for HP as I only bought it 7 months ago). It is sitting on a shelf at Best Buy waiting for me to return from Denver with the backup Operating System disk. Luckily I bought the extended warranty. The weather has turned cold (highs 55-60 brrr J) Of course it is still warmer than the north. My sister and brother-in-law arrive on Wednesday for a couple of days and I am house hunting. Haven't seen the perfect one yet but will continue my search this week. I am moving into a new rental property today and tomorrow, and I'm preparing to head back to work in Denver next Tuesday for a week. Whew! I'm exhausted. If this is how my New Year has started, what will the rest of the year be like?

I hope all of you had a wonderful New Year's celebration and are staying as warm as possible this brisk week in 2010. Now you can understand why I'm a little behind on my blog. Hopefully life will calm down and I can keep up from here on out.