ASKING FOR HELP

What is fear? In the true sense of the word it is the fight or flight mechanism in our human body that activates when we think we are in danger. But all too often, in my body, it is a thought of something less than positive happening out in the future. A projection of “what if,” that sets off this feeling in the pit of my stomach, which rises into my throat, similar to what I’m feeling currently because I made an offer on a house. Anytime I start the home buying process I set off that crazy fight or flight mechanism in my body from the distorted thoughts that I’m going to be penniless, homeless and have to ask for help. The latter being my biggest fear. Although for many years I thought my fears around money stemmed from being homeless and starving to death. But in all honesty, I can’t even imagine that happening because I know that my family and friends will feed and shelter me if I am in dire straits. So it is really this potential generosity which is at the root of any financial fears I may have. Because in my head, asking for help means admitting defeat and admitting defeat means that I am weak and being weak means I’m not good enough and then my critic says, “See, I told you, you weren’t good enough.” Sound familiar? But these are old tapes that were either taught to me, implied to me or just plain misunderstood by me when I was a young child. And tho’ I’m an adult and know that I am good enough and that asking for help does not equate to weakness, I still feel inadequate when I do, like there is something wrong with me. So just in the act of putting an offer on the table to buy a house has activated my subconscious brain to project forward into the future and find me in the pit of despair where I am penniless, homeless, and having to ask for help. The good news is I know this is one of my patterns of fear and I can talk myself out of it fairly quickly. But still, over the next few weeks, until the whole process is complete and I have started living with my new mortgage and can see that I am able to make my payments and still survive, I will feel that stomach rising up into my throat on a regular basis. Ain’t those ol’ patterns the funniest thing? :)