THE SPIRIT OF LOVE AND PEACE

With great gladness in my heart I am happy to announce to you that I am listening to Christmas music nonstop these days. You may say, "So, it's the holiday season, lots of people are listen to Christmas music." But for me this is a monumental event. You see 5 years ago when my husband, Gary, died in late October, my celebration of the holiday came to a crashing halt. I could not bare to go through the motions of the traditions and events that we had shared together for 18 years. Even now as I write this I feel sadness and tears well up together, as those remenants of grief that stay with us for a lifetime come to the surface. But for the first time in many years they are manageable enough to be felt.

My first Christmas after Gary died I went on a 10 day all inclusive vacation to Bucerias, Mexico where I celebrated a warm, delicious season with some close friends who were also in the throws of grief. The next year I travelled to Florida on Christmas eve and spent Christmas day with friends who do not celebrate the season. The following year I travelled to Playa del Carmen, Mexico on Christmas eve and spent the next day sitting on the beach at an all inclusive with a very dear friend. Two years ago I spent it with family but it was a quick trip up to their house in the morning and a quick trip back that night, with very little celebration in between. Then last year I started wading into the shallow end of the holiday season by joining a Christmas choir at church, going to 1 party and spending the day with a childhood friend and her husband, but again there was pain involved in the celebration. In none of these past years have I trimmed a tree, or listened to music or addressed Christmas cards while watching holiday movies, which are all long standing traditions of mine.

This year is different for some reason. I can't explain why, as grief has its own timetable and own reasoning. But this year I listened to Christmas carols on the way home from my Thanksgiving travels. The next day I shook off my dusty little tree (that still had the ornaments on it from the last year I had put it up), put out my Santa collection and started listening to my playlist of 124 Christmas songs. Excited at the prospect of company arriving a few days before Christmas, I'm even getting into the holiday shopping mood.

So what makes these tiny little actions so important to me. They are symbols that I have stepped beyond the tragedy and grief of my husband's death. That the last vestige of pain from what happened 5 years ago has subsided to the point that it is bareable to step into it, feel it and let it go. For Christmas is my most favorite time of year, and I have missed it. Although I try to keep the spirit of Christmas in my heart all year round, there is something about that constant reminder of trees and lights and Salvation Army bells and Christmas music and egg nog and candy canes and excited children that keeps that spirit of love and peace that Jesus taught us over 2000 years ago so near to my heart.

May this season open you to the love and peace that is possible, with just a little shift of the attitude. May you and yours have a wonderful holiday season!