ME FORGIVING ME

    The word forgiveness has invited itself to my party lately. From my clients, from my minister, from my friends, it seems to be a word on many people's minds. Or maybe I'm picking up on it because it has been on my mind. Forgiveness means many things to many people but for me right now it is about forgiving myself for not being perfect, about forgiving myself for being human, and about forgiving myself for listening to the thoughts generated from the collective conscious, as well as the distorted beliefs that ring through my head on a regular basis. The louder the critic in my head talks the more I have to forgive myself. Not because I believe what my critic says, but for reacting to what she says. My critic loves to tell me how I'm not loving enough, or that I'm too selfish or that I don't care enough about others and the world. Her latest campaign has been to harp on me about how I am abandoning my old dog and that I am not a loving owner because I'm putting my needs above everyone else. Okay, so I know that these are distorted thoughts and if I dig deep enough I can figure out where the thoughts originate. But instead of looking too deep, I've decided to use my cognitive behavioral therapy training and head down a more present focused route. First I acknowledge the thoughts and criticisms because they exist. And next I turn my focus away from their distortions and replace them with what I really want to think and believe. And the final ingredient is to forgive me. For when I acknowledge and forgive myself for these thoughts and criticisms I am saying yes, I am human, yes, I am not perfect, and yes, I do think about myself more than I do others. Once I forgive myself for being all of these things, I can replace the distortions with what I want to believe. Such as how on the whole I'm a good person who works hard to stay aware of my thought, feelings and actions and how I work hard to do the right thing. And, how when I do make mistakes and become aware of them, I acknowledge my errors (maybe not immediately but eventually) and if possible, I put the wrong right. That's what forgiving myself is about. And when I do, it lifts the weight of worry, fear and condemnation from my shoulders and allows me to see the world through fresher eyes. For when I forgive me I feel free, free enough to find a new way of thinking.