FORGIVENESS

    Last night I watched a movie on Lifetime called Amish Grace. It was about the Amish people who forgave a local gunman for killing 5 of their children and injuring 5 more. Wow. Did I ever expend a lot of tears on that movie. I could feel the pain of one of the grieving mothers, who unlike her husband, was unable to forgive so quickly. Her anger and hate were eating her up inside and she was ready to give up her entire life to run away from it. Luckily for her, in this movie anyway, she was able to finally forgive when she was informed of her own daughter's ability to forgive the gunman even as he was about to kill the girl.

     I have never had to deal with the transgression of someone taking a loved one from me through violence. But if I should, I hope that I have as much courage and faith as those true believers in the Lancaster, Pennsylvania area. For forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook as so many people believe, for there are usually consequences to the transgression, whether it is instant or over time. Nor is it about restitution, as nothing can make up for something that happened in the past. It is not about having the person say they are sorry for whether they are sorry or not, the transgression still occurred. Forgiveness is about releasing ourselves from our own prison of hate. It is an action that occurs deep within us to that place where love or hate reside. Forgiveness comes from the heart, and is about opening ourselves to the love that is out there waiting to replace the anger and hate permeating our cells.

    Forgiveness is about peace. It's not about giving peace to the transgressor, it is about giving peace to ourselves. I have learned in the second half of my life that I love to be at peace. But with the turbulence of the world around me the only way I can have peace is to grant it to myself. And the greatest gift I can give to myself is to let go of the anger inside of me so that peace and love can enter.

    Forgiveness is not always instantaneous. I paraphrase what one of the Amish characters said in the movie. She talked about how every morning, when she would remember how her two girls used to sing as they set the table, she would feel the anger and hate in her heart and would have to give them up to God so that she might have that space replaced with love. An hour later when she walked in the garden and remembered how her daughters loved to plant flowers she would feel the hate return and she would again give it up to God and ask that it be replaced with love. The deepest or longest transgressions often take the longest to release. But each time we chip away at the anger and hate, we fill that space with a little more love.

    Forgiveness is about us, not about the transgressor. It is about rising above the behavior of the other and connecting with the Creator's love that permeates all things. I don't know about you but if I have a choice between love and hate I prefer to be filled with love, that's why I am persistent in working to releasing anger and trying always to forgive.

LIVING MY PASSION

    The other night I dreamt that I was at a celebration with my whole family and we were toasting my new book. It was a grand dream, one that I am certain will come true. It is just a matter of time. I don't usually remember my dreams, and often when I do they are cryptic and bizarre. But when I awoke from this one I remembered every detail clearly and I had no trouble understanding the message behind it. My subconscious mind was reaffirming my belief in my passion. For I know that someday (hopefully in the not too distant future) my career will evolve to one of writing full time. And as a good friend said in his blog recently, I am living my passion. I've searched for many, many years (more than I wish to mention) to find what really "turns me on" and now that I am experiencing it I know that it is what I am meant to do.

    The other day I heard a talk about Dr. Robert Schuller, the pastor of the Crystal Cathedral in California, who said he has an affirmation he lives by daily. It is I AM, I CAN, I WILL, I BELIEVE. So with my mantra in hand on this rainy Friday morning in Southern Florida, I write, write and write some more. That's all I'm being asked to do. Live my passion. I encourage you to do the same. What is your passion?

HIT THE REFRESH BUTTON

    I awoke to rain this morning. I love the sound of rain as I drowsily lie in bed. What a glorious downpour. I lay there longer than usual just because of that sound. Now several hours later the clouds are parting and the sun is peaking through. The dog and I walked the beach a little while ago and enjoyed the freshness of the air, the cleanly feeling of the sand, the fresh churning of the sea. When we first arrived on the beach there was but a handful of people walking. By the time we left dozens had arrived, taking in the beautiful and contrast of the dark clouds to green water to the rays of the tiny patch of sun. Everything felt refreshed.

    The beach walk reminded me of how I have to refresh my thoughts on a regular basis just as the rain refreshes the earth. For example this weekend I was describing to a new friend that I am a carboholic. She suggested I change that thought in my brain to something more positive for as long as I say I'm a carboholic, I will be a carboholic. She was right and in pointing out this faux pas to me she hit my refresh button. Often I get stuck in an idea of what I used to want or what I think has happened or what I believe about myself that no longer serves me well. In these moments where I become aware of these thoughts I can make a conscious decision to hit the refresh button on my brain, just as I hit a refresh button for a website, or how the pouring rain is the refresh button for Mother Earth. In doing so I can change my thought to what I want it to be. So instead of my saying I am a carboholic I can refresh my thought to say I am a healthy eater, then as I continue to say that thought about myself, my brain will help me move away from my old patterns of eating and help me to believe that I am a healthy eater.

    So what thoughts do you wish to refresh today? Take a moment to ask yourself what you are thinking right now that may not be serving you well anymore. Then hit the refresh button and choose the thought you want to think. Congratulations, you have begun the process of changing an old pattern into something more productive just by hitting the refresh button!

AIN'T LIFE GRAND

    Ain't life grand! That's how I feel today. The weather is fabulous, my careers are progressing nicely, I close on my condo in a week, I have dozens of family and friends who love me and care about me and I've already walked the beach this glorious morning. Yay! Not much else to say. I am truly grateful as I write this blog. And today, like every day, first thing in the morning, I write my gratitude list, for I know that I am truly blessed to enjoy the experiences of life that come to me each day. Thank you Creator! Need I say anything more?

DOING SOMETHING

    Sometimes when my life is progressing in a positive manner and all is well, I get this urge to "do something." I'm not quite sure why but it is a very strong urge right now. Eckhart Tolle would call it my pain body wanting to feel bad. Jungian psychologists might say it is my ego wanting to make sure it still has an identity. Whatever it is I have to guard against it, for looking back over my life I find that all my calamities have been when life was fairly even and positive and I longed for something exciting to happen so I "did something." The hardest part of being in the moment is allowing what is to be and not trying to make it into something else. Most often being in the moment means nothing big is going on. Most often being in the moment means finding the joy in a tiny flower or in watching your cat at the window or in eating a banana or watching the sandpipers run away from the waves. Being out of the moment is when I get my urge to "do something." Today I think I'll take a walk instead of "doing something."

INSTANT GRATIFICATION

    I want to be a published writer. I decided a few years back when the inspiration for my first children's novel, Kiva and the Stone Nation came to me that writing is my passion. My vision for myself is to write full time and publish lots of novels so I can live wherever I want and travel whenever I want. Great dream and one I know I will manifest. I just don't know when. That's where my impatience comes in. In this world of instant gratification: money magically appearing from machines, books and movies downloading from the internet, and Seven Elevens and Starbucks on every other street corner, sometimes I forget that anything worth having is worth working towards and waiting for. So if I focus too much on what I want out in the future I miss the moments I'm having right now, like walking the beach every morning, spending quality time visiting with all my family and friends, tasting the sweetness of a ripe strawberry and so on. Therefore as I head towards my future as the successful published author I know I am to be, I keep reining myself in so that I can savor today and experience the process of becoming who I am meant to be.

SEEING THE LESSON IN THE OBSTACLE

    Sometimes in the world of spiritual metaphysics we get the erroneous idea that if we put our intentions out into the Universe everything will proceed on an easy, smooth course and if they don't, it's a sign that we are on the wrong path. But sometimes obstacles appear in our way as sign posts, subtle directions telling us to make a slight shift. Yesterday, as my condo purchase progressed, what I thought was an insurmountable obstacle appeared in my way. Because of all the foreclosures in Florida my bank is acting very conservative about lending money and their conservatism became my obstacle. My first reaction (after my disappointment) was that the boulder was way to huge to overcome and I said, "Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn't buy this place." Then I thought about the place, about my dream of living close to the beach, about the great price I've been given on this condo and how much I see myself living there in the future. So I paused and let my creative juices flow towards what to do next. Within a few minutes I had an idea. I called my banker, he said what I had in mind was doable and immediately I felt relief that I was back on track. The interesting sidebar to this incident is that with this solution to my obstacle I will actually lower my monthly payments without having to put any more money on the table. So what at first I thought was an insurmountable obstacle and a sign that I should quit, turned out to be a better deal. For me this incident was a reminder to pause once in awhile and ask, "How important is this route to me?" When the answer was my resolve to continue full speed ahead and explore viable solutions to the problem, the solution appeared in my head almost immediately. Today I feel calm and serene about what has occurred, which to me is a message in itself. The entire incident was a reminder of a lesson I've learned in the past and forgotten: All obstacles are good because they are road signs. Sometimes the sign is to stop but sometimes the sign is just to make a slight adjustment in the direction because something better is around the curve.

LIZZIE MY CRITIC

        Lizzie has been working overtime today. Every piece of clothing I put on felt tight and so my wonderful critic, Lizzie, could not stop telling me how fat I'm getting and that I'm eating bad food and not exercising like I should and on and on and on. Sometimes she is just downright exhausting. I often wonder where she came from. I can't guarantee it because I don't have any memory from back then, but I'm pretty sure that Lizzie wasn't in my head when I was born. But somewhere in the early years of my life she started developing in my head. Her voice was probably quiet at first, just little whispers like "Don't laugh too loud, you shouldn't eat that piece of cake, be a good little girl," and then as the thoughts expanded, Lizzie expanded. Some days she's louder than others and some days I can control her better than others. Today was one of the more difficult days. But since I've come to the conclusion that she will always be with me, I accept the roller coaster ride of our relationship. Hopefully when I wake tomorrow morning she'll have had a good night sleep and not be so grumpy. If not, I'll have to take control and put her muzzle back on. Goodnight Lizzie.

SAVOR THE MOMENT

    Time is passing too fast. Even though time is something manmade I feel the tug of it on my psyche. So, as I do on a regular basis, I am practicing mindfulness today as I am forever making the decision to practice mindfulness. Notice the word practicing. I'm not very good at it. But I am getting better and I'm much further along than when I first learned this technique. All because I keep practicing. The psychological definition of mindfulness is "a non-elaborative, nonjudgmental, present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises is acknowledged and accepted as it is."

    To better explain mindfulness I will describe my breakfast this morning. I made gluten-free, sugar free pancakes. I know for some of you this sounds horrible, but it is quite tasty and since wheat and sugar create nasty bodily functions in me it is the best way I've found to enjoy my occasional pancake craving. Once the breakfast was cooked I sat down at the table and concentrated all my awareness on eating the pancakes. I watched my right hand grab the fork and slice into the food. I noticed the brown of the cooked flour, the red of the fresh strawberries, the juiciness of the syrup. I moved the fork to my mouth and bit into the morsel. Wow, the taste buds jumped for joy at the sweet, soft grains as they danced across my tongue and melted in my mouth. Then I focused on my chewing. I chewed several times before I swallowed. Then I started the whole process again. After several bites I turned my focus away from the food and glanced out the window, noticing a boat floating by in the bay and the sun shining off its chrome as it created a wake behind it. Then I turned my attention back to my pancakes and repeated the eating process. I continued to stay in the moments as I ate more and more of the wondrous morsels. The phone rang. I set my fork down, pushed the answer button on the phone and listened to the woman on the other end. I heard what she said, word by word, answered her questions, said goodbye and pressed the "off" button. Back to my pancakes. I noticed the syrup was gone, absorb into the flour. So I stood up, walked to the counter, felt the plastic bottle in my fingers as I grabbed it, and walked back to the table and sat down. I turned the bottle over and poured more syrup on the cakes, watching it glide slowly from the hole in the lid, through the air and onto the plate below. I set the bottle down, picked up my fork and slowly took another bite, savoring the taste of the food, one chew, one lowering and lifting of the fork, one bite at a time, until the pancakes were gone.

    Glorious is all I can say to describe how it feels to place my awareness in each moment. The act of living is a wondrous thing and I spend way too much time ignoring it, in pursuit of the next moment. Instead today, I'll let the next moment come when it may and just savor the one I'm in. Happy Moment!