ATTACHMENT

    I was reading a chapter from Eckhart Tolle's book, A New Earth, again this morning. The subject was attachment. It reminded me of the sadness I am feeling lately because I am retiring my dog to a friend's farm in Texas. As I know my purpose is connected to a new life that includes travelling several times a year for 30+ days at a time and because I am moving to Florida in the fall to a condo that is not very animal friendly, I am struggling with what to do about my 14 year old dog. Today I realized all my struggles and sad feelings are related to my attachment.

    Sharmin has been a gentle and faithful companion of mine for 13 years. She has stood at the door wagging her tail for more times than I will ever remember. Our hikes in the mountains have been some of my favorite times of my life and she was there as a furry back to cry on after my husband died. But now it is time to let go. She struggles to get in and out of the car, yet doesn't complain when I drive her clear across country on a week long road trip. Her eating habits are erratic and she needs to go out a little more often than in the past, yet here I am leaving her for long hours in the day and often with strangers as I travel for both job and pleasure. All she wants to do is sit out in a yard and sleep in between taking walks, not for exercise, but to smell new smells. Yet I now live in a townhouse with stairs going up and down. I know she will be so much happier hanging out on a 20 acre farm with a pond (she loves to go wading in water), in a house with no stairs and with a friend who is the sweetest, gentlest lady I know. She's even going to become the office dog, which means during the day she gets to hang out with several people who I'm sure will stop and pet her on a regular basis. Retiring to Texas is what is best for Sharmin and what is best for me.

    The interesting thing is that the predominant feelings I'm having about retiring my dog to the farm are not about my attachment to her. Oh, I will miss her at first and I will feel the tug of the energy departing that was attached to her and my husband. I will even feel the loss of another life force that existed in my home. But I've lost many a person and animal in my life and know that I will grieve but soon after will be fine. No, my attachment is to my image. I have placed a judgment on myself that I believe will be a judgment by others that I am "throwing away" my old dog. It's a terribly loud distorted thought that says to me, "you are a bad person because this sweet loyal dog no long fits into your lifestyle so you are giving her away." Here in lies my insanity. My attachment is more about my image than about the actual dog. My attachment is to my feelings of guilt and to my distorted belief about what I should and shouldn't do. What an eye opener. And what a reminder that this image judgment is an unhealthy pattern in my life. It is a reminder that often in my past I have made decisions based on an image of who I "should" be not on who I really am.

    It is all part of my ego, trying to make me feel bad so that it can grow and attach and tell me what's wrong with me. This attachment to my image is what I want to change. And the good news is that awareness is the biggest battle to doing just that. So now that I know my attachment is to my image, I can reinforce the "truth" of me and say, I am who I am and this is how I plan to live my life. If others don't like it then too bad. In a month I am driving my sweet, gentle loving dog to her new home in Texas and am going to celebrate the love she has provided me and the love she will provide to my dear friend for hopefully several years to come. This act does not define me, it is just a choice I make in order to fulfill the purpose of who I am becoming.

    Today I learned a new lesson about attachment and this lesson is leading me to become the best human being I can be. It has been a fruitful day!

SPRINGTIME

    Springtime has arrived......sort of. The weather turns from warm, to hot, to chilly, to snow. But the grass is green and fresh and beautiful. Spring is a metaphor for my life. My emotions can run from warm, to hot, to chilly, to snowy all in one day, or in a week, or in a month, or in a year. It is a cycle. And with each turn of the clock, my life becomes greener and fresher and renewed again and again. Like the weather, life can be unpredictable. But just like springtime, it is forever renewing itself. The most important thing to remember is to be open, aware and excited about what is before us. For we only get to see each moment once.....and then it is gone. So today, let's appreciate every moment for what it is, A Unique, Wonderful Moment, and let's experience with joy everything that comes our way.

I BELIEVE

    I had to step back into the wheelbarrow this morning (see 11/2/2009 blog). One of my first thoughts after I awoke was "why hasn't a literary agent contacted me yet." You see, I tell myself I believe that my books will be published and I tell myself that I am a successfully published author. But the real question is do I believe it? I do.....up to a point. But after recognizing my thought this morning I would have to honestly say that somewhere in my subconscious there is a piece of me that does not believe.

    After this awareness occurred, my first inclination was to start sending out more inquiry letters and put my head down and plow through writing more books. And in a way it is the correct course to take and the action I have already taken. Once I have released a desire into the Universe, my job is to put one foot in front of the other and head in the direction of my dream. But there is one huge ingredient in this process of manifestation that I have not fully developed in this area of my life. I must believe. I must get back into the wheelbarrow and let Divine Source push me across the high wire. My one and only job is to move forward and BELIEVE.

    So how do I lasso that last part of myself that does not believe? How do I turn myself into a 100% total believing machine? The best way I have found in the past is to acknowledge the thought and corresponding feeling when it occurs, then focus away from it on something positive. This morning I sat down and wrote my gratitude list, then I visualized the day when my literary agent introduces me to the editor at Random House, who is publishing my book (although any of the big publishing houses will do). Then I let go of the outcome and enjoyed the feelings and thoughts in the moment, for in the beauty of this time and space I have all I need to be complete. It is when the cake is baked to perfection, that the icing is added. Now, as I write this piece, I have lassoed my naysayer, brought it into the wheelbarrow with me and look with anticipation and excitement to the ride. I BELIEVE!

ANGELS, SAINTS AND ASCENDED MASTERS

    When I was small, my mother taught me about guardian angels. And like many Catholic children, I had a picture on my bedroom wall of an angel guiding a young child across a bridge, to remind me that I am never alone. When I grew older I learned of a sister who had died at the age of one, thirteen years before I was born. My mother told me she was my guardian angel. I liked the feeling that my big sister, Jamie was protecting me. Even though I never knew her in physical form, I still feel she is here watching over me even as an adult.

    I am grateful to my Catholic upbringing for teaching me about angels and saints. I truly believe in the spirits that walk with us as we journey on our path in human form. Whenever I feel a fear or a concern of any kind, or want to send love to others in need, I call upon the angels and ascended masters for help. My favorites are Archangel Michael, Archangel Gabriel and the Buddhist ascended masters, Kuan Yin (who some believe is also Mary) and Ganesh.

    Whoever or whatever they are, to me they are extension of Divine Source, here to assist and bring peace to us all. For I know that I am never alone, even when there is not another human being within miles of me. I give thanks to these spirits, for with them, I know I am forever safe.

PAUSE

    The question of the day: What does it feel like to be connected to Divine Source? I am always connected. For Divine Source is all of me. But often I forget. So when I do remember, how does it feel? I feel the Source of all existence most clearly when I'm meditating, when I quiet my mind. It's a pulsating and tingling of energy. It's a complete sense of peace. It's a feeling that there is no beginning, there is no ending, all is well. I'd like to get to the point where I feel Source in every breath, in every movement, in every thought. In order to have this constancy I must stay in each moment, realizing and noticing with completeness, everything in me and around me.

    As I stood outside my home this morning, after walking the dog, I noticed the buds on the trees. They've been present in form for several days now. Yet I had not looked at them closely. So I paused and I drew nearer and paid close attention to what I was seeing. The buds are tiny sprigs of green. The beginnings of a leaf, half in and half out of the branch. Now I've known all winter that those buds were there, inside that tree. All it took was the right position of the sun, the right amount of water, and the right temperature for them to manifest into form. And for my five senses to experience them, it took one final condition. For me to pause.

    Divine Source is the same. The Source of all that is, is always there, providing me the energy and love to live in this experience I call life. But it takes the right condition, to pause, in order to manifest the experience in my senses. So today I will practice hitting the pause button. For I want to experience Divine Source as it flows through me, manifests me and connects me to everyone and everything I meet.

WE ARE ALL ONE

    We are all connected. I know this because in the truest sense of our being we are nothing more than energy that has formed to manifest our bodies, our thoughts, our emotions, our whole being. Some of the energy inside me once belonged to my mother and father, to my family, to my neighbors and to my friends. And all of it comes straight from the Universal Source. For as I change in each moment---which is inevitable---I exchange energy with everything in the Universe. So the air I breathe right at this moment is moving through the atmosphere of earth and is being drawn into the roots of plants that expel it from the leaves back into the atmosphere, to become air for someone else to breathe in another place and another time. Or it may form into clouds and convert to rain which waters the flowers and breaks down the stone.

    I have known the concept of connectedness for a long time intellectually. And I have known it sensually just because it occurs constantly. But on Saturday, for the very first time I can remember, I experienced connectedness intellectually, sensually and spiritually in the same moment. It was a great AHA for me. It occurred after I read an update from one of my friends on Facebook about their perfect Saturday morning, sitting at their kitchen table, looking out to the beautiful morning and listening to their grandchildren. I felt a pang of loneliness, for I live alone and have no children and my thought was that I will never have that exact experience. The sadness stayed with me for awhile. Then I read a passage in the book, no death, no fear, by Thich Nhat Hanh. To be honest I can't even remember what actual words allowed me the AHA. The important thing is that after reading this passage I actually thought about my loneliness and realized that if we are all connected then I can feel the experience of my Facebook friend through his words. It is his words that connect us. It is from connecting his words with my own experiences of having looked out the window at beauty from my own kitchen table, and my having experienced the joy of other people's children in my life, that I can allow myself to connect to this person who is over a thousand miles away and to be in his experience with him. So I allowed myself this experience and remembered that when my breath arrives in his hometown, at some point it will become the breath that sustains him and his grandchildren. I connected to them all, right in that moment.

    So over the next few days I will remind myself of how I am connected to all that is around me. And I will remember that the items I have purchased in my home and the food I eat, connect me to the people who grew the seeds and plants, who harvested them, who produced them, who transported them and who sold them to me. For at some point in my existence I am connected to every atom and molecule on this planet and beyond. For I am one piece of the Universe interacting with all other pieces. It is truly magnificent! For in the truest sense of being, we are all one.

INDIGO

    I don't have time to write a regular blog today as I'm way behind working on my novel. So instead I am included Chapter 4 of my book, Indigo. Hope you enjoy.

 

CHAPTER 4

The security guard, distracted by the normal hustle and bustle of the morning, nods his greeting as we navigate the maze of hallways to the building's exit. My unwelcome charge steps double time to keep up.             

"I take it you aren't coming over to swim again today," I say to Rain as we reach the street. I already know the answer.

    "I told you earlier I had something I had to do after we surfed. But later I thought I'd go to the pier to meet up with some of the guys."

    My heart sinks.

    "Why don't you meet me over there and we can all have lunch at the pizzeria."

    I shake my head. The idea of more than two minutes of mindless chitchat with his new buddies horrifies me. Any intelligent conversation the brainless wonders he calls friends may have once possessed---and I can't guarantee they ever did---has long since disappeared with the onset of puberty.

    I point to Crystal. "I have to babysit remember?"

"She can hang with us."

    "Who's us?"

    "Mike, Dillon, and Kaitlin for sure. Maybe a couple of others."

    "Oh yah, that crowd will love hanging out with a seven year old!" I say, sarcasm oozing from my lips.

    "Gees Indi, give these guys a chance, will ya?"

    As usual, he doesn't understanding that it's the "In" crowd who doesn't give me a chance. I change my tactic.

    "But I wasn't invited."

    "Come on Indi, you know you're always invited to come with me. We're a team."

     "Yah right."

    My anger rises and before I can take control of it my mouth opens.

    "Doesn't seem like it to me. You're always tripping all over your feet to get to Kaitlin."     

    Rain steps towards me in frustration, then loses his balance. One foot stumbles over the other and he goes down hard off the curb, landing dead center into oncoming traffic. A car leans on its horn and swerves, missing him by inches. I grab his arm and pull him up onto the sidewalk.

     Oops, I guess I shouldn't have said that, I think.

    "See what happens when you think about her. I know she has the hots for you and you seem to have the hots for her too."

     A red tinge splatters his cheeks and a half chuckle escapes his lips. "Stop it Indi. I don't have the hots for her."

    His fingers touch my arm. My legs jerk back as if they've been tapped by the doctor's hammer.

    "Whatever," I shout and before he can protest I backtrack to the aquarium entrance.

    Damn, I really do need to get control of myself.

    I grab the door handle then stop. I've forgotten something.

"Crystal," I cry and look around. She's gone.

"Where'd she go?" I call to Rain as panic rises in my throat. I glance over at the parking lot, then down to the beach. She's nowhere to be seen.

    Rain points towards town. "Look!"

    Golden red hair glistens in the afternoon sunlight as a tiny shape climbs the massive stone staircase of an old building a few blocks away before disappearing inside. I shudder as traffic buzzes past. She has crossed the two busiest streets in town.

    Rain grabs my hand. "Come on!"

    In front of the ancient stone structure we climb the enormous concrete steps to the top. The glass reads, "The O'Reilly Clinic." We bolt through the frosted doors and stop dead in our tracks. Inside, a damp, narrow hallway leads to a winding wooden staircase, suspended below grimy dim light fixtures that cast eerie black shadows against the walls.

     A lump forms in my throat as I motion for Rain to follow, then I hesitate, for thoughts of werewolves and vampires send chills up my spine. The old wood creaks beneath our weight as we slowly ascend. At the top we get a quick glimpse of a child disappearing around the corner.

    Our footsteps echo in the vastness of the stone corridor as we take chase, only to find ourselves at the entrance to a long dark empty hallway filled with dozen of closed doors. At the first one, I take a big gulp and push. The heavy wood creaks against rusted hinges, depositing me in a tiny room crammed to the brim with side by side hospital beds. Two little boys---oblivious to our presence----have been swallowed up by starched white hospital sheets. The only sound are slow steady heart beats echoing from identical wall monitors.

    Suddenly the door swings open and a tall, slender woman, wearing dark blue hospital scrubs, towers above us. A long pointed nose over a puckered mouth and pointed chin are framed by long black hair, a severe white streak running down the bangs. Her twisted face turns my heart to stone. A shot of electricity courses through my body.

    "Does this belong to you?" she spits out, indicating the small child caught between her hands.

    "You shouldn't be here?" She growls in a low husky voice that hisses between clenched teeth. Before I can react, the irate nurse grabs my shoulder and shoves me out the door. She glares at Rain and points her long boney finger at the exit.

    "This is no place for children to be playing," she adds, her words bouncing off the stone walls. She drags Crystal by the collar down the long hallway and through the double doors, depositing her next to us at the top of the staircase. As our feet peddle down the steps, she disappears back into the hospital room. Barely touching the creaking wood we reach the front sidewalk in record time. I catch my breath and glance down at Crystal. Giant tears flow over her cheeks.

    "We have to help him," she says between sniffles. I pull a tissue from my pocket and hand it to her.

"Help who?"

"The little boy, the one who was calling for help." I grab her hand and pull her towards the crosswalk.

"Crystal, I'll admit that place was too creepy for words, but no one was calling for help. You must be hallucinating."

The child turns pleading eyes to Rain. He shakes his head. "Sorry kiddo, I didn't hear anyone either."

He glances at his wristwatch. "I have to go."

Before I can respond he is half a block away yelling back, "I'll see you later."

No doubt late for a date with Kaitlin, I think as I drag my resisting charge towards the pizzeria.

    "You think your boyfriend is two timing you," Crystal taunts. I shove her through the doors of the restaurant.

"Rain is not my boyfriend."

DOUSING THE FIRES OF ANGER

    Yesterday morning I read my inspirational message, recited my affirmations, did 25 minutes of yoga and came up from the basement feeling refreshed and peaceful. Then I listened to a message on my cell phone. Out the window went my peace and into the door stomped anger. I won't go into the details of the message only to say that I felt used and pushed around and discounted by a friend. Without pausing I called back, left an angry message, then fumed and ranted to myself for several minutes before taking the dog for a long walk to try to regain my peace.

    It was a beautiful day but I never saw it. I missed the babbling creek, the budding trees, and the Flickers calling for their mates. I missed springtime in the Rockies. I was fuming. Someone had done me wrong! My mind kept regurgitating how I was right and the other person had injured me. I was lost in my anger. Before long my fury had taken on a life of its own. It didn't care that I had meditated or practiced yoga minutes before. It invaded my entire body causing my heart to ache, my pressure to rise, my muscles to tense. It didn't care about anything except that it was right and my friend was wrong.

    I ignored the dog as I stomped across the field with my mind crying, "I'm right about this!" Then the word "right" triggered a memory. It was a Wayne Dyer talk I often listen too as part of my morning inspiration. In it he asks the question, "Is it more important to be right or more important to be at peace?" The memory doused the fire of my anger immediately and I began to laugh. Once the flames were extinguished I could answer his question with honesty. Peace is the most important quality in my life.

    I immediately phoned my friend and told her I was sorry for my angry message. As we talked I realized it was all a misunderstanding. My anger had masked the obvious and as my thoughts continued to fuel the rage, it took on a life of its own. Then I realized another truth, my feelings are very exposed right now, due to the enormous amount of change occurring in my life. I have been stockpiling my feelings for several days and not allowing them to dissipate naturally. Thus the message on my cell phone became the match that ignited the fire. This whole incident was a reminder to me that my inspirational messages and meditation practices may not cure me of my anger, but they will help me keep it to the size of a small bonfire instead of letting it become a towering inferno.

 

EASTER

    Did you know that many scholars believe the origins of Easter actually come from a pagan goddess named Eostre the Great Mother goddess of the Saxons? One of the myths surrounding this fertility goddess is that she granted her rabbit friend the ability to lay eggs once a year and thus came the origins of the Easter Bunny. Of course there are other scholars who refute this theory. But I like it and considering the Roman Catholics were notorious for incorporating pagan rituals into their customs in order to encourage the converts to attend church, it makes sense to me. Whatever the true origins, this Sunday, April, 5th is Easter, the first Sunday after the full moon (paschal moon) after the vernal (spring) equinox. Not sure how the church came up with that calculation but I know it was decided during the first council of Nicea in 325 under the tutelage of Emperor Constantine. My bet is a bunch of bishops sequestered themselves in a room with many bottles of great Italian wine and hammered out some of the first church laws and holidays. Oh to be a fly on that wall.

    Easter is a symbol of spring which in turn is an integral part of the cycle of life. It symbolizes birth, fertility, and new beginnings. As I drive cross country from Florida to Colorado this symbol of rebirth is everywhere. In Florida there are subtle signs, like the return of the song birds, new flowers blooming and bananas ripening. In Atlanta the peach blossoms are in full bloom, and in Tennessee the dogwoods have begun to flower. On to Kentucky, Illinois and Missouri the grass is greening and a few trees are budding. In Kansas and Colorado the daffodils are blooming and the tulips are about to open. Everywhere it is spring, a time when the earth throws off her heavy wool blanket and dons her most colorful attire.

    So this Easter Sunday let's don our colorful clothes and give thanks to our Higher Power for the return of warmth, color and new beginnings. And I wish for you a marvelous day with chocolate bunnies that contain no calories. :)