FOR THOSE WHO KNEW ME WHEN

    No matter how much spiritual, emotional or mental growth we attain in our lifetime and no matter how old we become, when we step into a room full of family we revert right back to the children we used to be. I've spent the last 4 days communing with the people who knew me when I was born. These people have loved me and put up with me for half a century. And although I consider myself a fairly enlightened human being, these past four days have invoked in me the feelings of doubt, self consciousness, and jealousy and have resurrected a whininess I seldom experience any more. The difference between then and now is that I keep these feelings to myself because I know what I didn't know back then. They are fleeting and they will pass. It is very humbling and very good for my soul. It reminds me that I am still having a human experience and have a long way to go before I can consider myself truly enlightened. Nice to know there are people out there who knew me when. The only problem is they still see me as that past child and when they reflect it to me, I forget and become her again. I have so much more to learn.

WHERE'S MY SPOT?

    Yesterday I was telling a dear friend that I was feeling exhausted on this trip and that my dog was having some problems also. He said this reminded him of the teachings of Carlos Castaneda about being in your spot or knowing your spot.  It seems when you are not in your spot your energy and rhythms change.  I have read a couple of books from Carlos and did not remember this teaching. But it is very apropos for my situation this week. I have spent two nights in a motel, two nights at a friend's house and the last three nights at a KOA cabin. All of them were very nice and very clean and afforded me a safe room and a comfortable bed. Yet I still feel "off". For someone like me who has travelled extensively in my life this is very unusual. So I'm going to attribute it to my energy and my rhythms being disturbed because I'm not in my spot. It may also have to do with the fact that I'm moving my spot to Florida and I don't have the anchor of knowing I'm going "home" when this trip is complete. I'm not sure where "home" is these days. But the explanation comforts me as it gives meaning to what I am feeling. It also reinforces my belief that we are so much more than the flesh and blood we see and feel with our senses. We are pure energy that has taken form for this period of time we are on earth. If I remember this, I can center my energy through meditation and again feel grounded no matter where my body lies because my pure energy is an outshoot of God, who's spot is everywhere.

GIVE THANKS FOR EVERYTHING IN LIFE

    Have you ever noticed how no one ever gives thanks for the bad things that happen to them in their lives? Yet I have found for myself, that some of the most profound wisdom I have gleaned and some of the most significant AHA's I have recognized are often after my soul has been plunged to the depths of despair. So on the day called Black Friday, I'm going to give thanks for EVERYTHING that has happened in my life, even the one's I consider significant life events of the negative kind. For I would not be the person I am today without every experience in life.

    Life is precious whether we are up or we are down. Life is precious whether we are healthy or we are sick. Life is precious whether we are rich or we are poor. Life is precious whether we are alone or we are surrounded by loved ones. Life is precious in every moment, every circumstance, every experience. Thank you God for life.

GOD FEEDS US

    Just as the pilgrims awoke this beautiful morning and began their preparations for a bountiful feast, I too awake, with gratitude in my heart, for the magnificence of my life and the bounty I have received. Thank you God for my loving family, for my safety these last few days on the road, for all of my loving, caring and attentive friends, for my career, my creativity and my prosperity.

    There is a ethereal mist hovering over the lake where my little cabin sits. It's really the cats' cabin for I will spend most of my day in a condo on the Atlantic Ocean and the kitties will hang out here enjoying the warmth of this cozy cottage. How blessed I am to have the flexibility to travel cross county, enjoying the beauty of all the landscape along the way and arrive to hugs and kisses from people who have known me my entire life. My God is a loving God who provides my every need. As Jesus said in Luke 12 versus 22-30:

     ²²"....Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. ²³Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. ²⁴Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! ²⁵Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ²⁶Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

     ²⁷"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ²⁸If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! ²⁹And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. ³⁰For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. ³¹But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well."

    Have a Blessed, Bountiful and Beautiful Thanksgiving Day!

THROUGH THE EYES OF MY CAT

        Woke up this morning in another strange room. Tonight I'm in new one. That makes fours since we left home. The one this morning was nicer than the last two because I had more places to explore. But it didn't have as many interesting smells. Don't think as many of my kind have slept there before. Must be brand new.

    I'm really getting tired of being let out of my carrier only to be stuffed back in again. But I love sitting in the car watching all the strange contraptions going by. The windows are massive, and I love sitting in windows. And the birds!!! Everywhere I look there are more and more interesting looking birds. Strange white and grey ones today. Plus the air smells like fish. I love fish, especially tuna.

    Now we're hanging out in a small room with more good smells. I like this place because it has a wide window sill and I can watch all the events unfold outside. I noticed a few squirrels too. Squirrels drive me crazy. It's like kitty TV. But mom isn't around much like she's been over the last few days. That's probably a good thing. When she's around I keep getting stuffed into my carrier. I prefer my freedom. Not sure where I am. But hey, in this day and age with the way my mom drags us around, I just have to go with the flow.

PATIENCE AND GRATITUDE

    Patience is a virtue. Practicing patience was my assignment tonight. 10 hours was to be my drive time. 668 miles from Howe, Texas to Birmingham, Alabama. Instead I was on the road for 12. The last leg was sheer torture. The final 70 miles lasted 3 hours. The first traffic jam consisted of 2 miles in 15 minutes. The second jam, twice as long, started north of Tuscaloosa, AL where I finally passed a multi-car accident. The third traffic jam, 18 miles west of Birmingham, was another multi-car accident.

    I am on my way to a wonderful family Thanksgiving celebration. I have a feeling some of the crashed cars I passed held people who will be in the hospital instead. This makes my holiday even more special for I am safe. I pray for the families involved and ask that the God of my understanding support them in their time of difficulty. Now, sitting in my motel room I pray again, Thank You God!

EVERYTHING'S BIG HERE

    Texas is an enigma. Everything here is huge. Especially the bulls that stand at the fence by the roadside watching me drive by. Tumbleweed blows across the road and is so big it sticks under the oil pan for miles. They match the landmass of this state, the 2nd largest in the country. It took me 6.5 hours from the time I rolled over the border to get to a town just north of Dallas (and that's coming in through the panhandle). It'll take me another 3 hours to get out of this state tomorrow.

    Texas hospitality is huge too. Went to the pool with my friend so I could swim laps. Met 2 ladies in the hot tub afterwards who were extremely nice. People in Texas are down home friendly. They have big accents too. Thick, sweet and syrupy. It reminded me of an interview when I was applying for graduate school in counseling. The woman asked me what was my number 1 prejudice. I immediately responded, "Texas accents." It's true, I must confess. My first impression of people with Texas accents is that they are uneducated. I know it's not true but still that's my first reaction. I lived in Texas for 10 years and know better, yet I still have that reaction. I had it again today. Sorry Texans. It's just a knee jerk reaction. Tomorrow I'll be gone from Texas and will not hear that accent again for quite awhile. In a way I'll miss it. Thanks Texas, your hospitality has been outstanding.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM MY CAT

    I wrote several notes along the drive today to remind me of the interesting items I wanted to write about in my blog tonight. The tumbleweed as it blew across the Texas highways. The mysterious fog bank I drove through. The vultures playing tag in the sky. But all of these fun stories went out the window after I arrived at my destination and was traumatized by my cat, Cayenne, who taught me three valuable lessons.

    Lesson number 1. Never leave your cat in a room with another cat if they don't know each other. Cats aren't like dogs. They don't adjust after a few minutes of smelling the other animal's butt. The phrase cat fight probably originated from crazy humans like my friend and I who put two unfamiliar cats in a room together and thought they would get along. Boy were we wrong.

    Lesson number 2. Never pick up a cat that is upset when a unfamiliar cat is present. How do I know this? Because I tried and now I have three gashes in my left cheek, several scratches on my hands and a chunk of skin missing from one of my finger tips.

    Lesson number 3. Cats are very forgiving. Tonight as we gather in the spare bedroom for a good night's sleep, all is well. Anise is hiding under the bed, Sharmin is snoring by the door and Cayenne is quietly sleeping in her cage. The other cat is separated by a room and a cage and is no longer within smelling or hissing distance. My cats are much happier. I'm still a little traumatized by the above event and my finger hurts like an SOB but the cats have forgotten the incident and think of me as their friend again. All is forgiven. Wouldn't it be nice if we humans could be just as forgiving.

    What's in store for us tomorrow? More adventures On The Road with Sarah Doyle. See you then.

HOWDY Y'ALL

    Remember the series, "On the Road with Charles Kuralt"? Well, for the next 10 days I will be "On the Road with Sarah Doyle". This morning I loaded my car with the dog, 2 cats, golf clubs, guitar, summer clothes and various essentials (like my coffee press) for my trek to Florida via Dallas and Charleston.

    Last night was a restless night as I tossed and turned, unable to quiet my mind from the churning lists of what to do, what to take and who to call. Needless to say exhaustion greeted me when my eyes opened this morning and within 2 hours of being on the road I was begging for Scottie from the Enterprise to beam me up and deposit me at my motel in Amarillo. But alas, it was seven hours from my starting point before I rolled into the motel and unloaded the dog, 2 cats, dog and cat food, cooler, food and my bag. Although it's like traveling with children, I can at least legally keep mine in cages while I go to the bathroom, register for my room and get something to eat. I'm sure there are parents out there who wish they could do the same.

     I am now safe and sound and vegetating in front of the TV watching Pirates of the Caribbean and drinking a beer. I'm proud of my animals as this is year two of our now annual trek and they have adapted quickly to our adventure. Anise, my little scaredy cat, hasn't hidden once and is currently kneading her blanket as she lies on the bed, ready to settle in for the night. Last year she never braved anything besides the underside of the bed. Cayenne, the other cat, is perched in the window checking out the other guests. She's quite the traveler and loves roaming free in the car. Her favorite perch for the ride is either the console next to me or on top of the cage, both places perfect for watching the passing truckers. Sharmin is crashed out in the corner snoring, pretty much what she's done all day. Our little menagerie is quite a sight and true entertainment for the other motorists.

    Tomorrow we're off to a little town north of Dallas to visit one of my very best friends for a couple of days. Nice to have friends who love me so much they are willing to welcome not only me but my three animals into their homes.

    So my plan is to provide you with interesting observations and entertaining stories along our journey. See y'all tomorrow (notice the Texas twang has already returned and I'm only 100 miles south of the Texas border).

GROWN BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS

    The saga continues.....At age 36 I was married for one year and living in Colorado. Those two events changed my life forever. I had wanted to be married since I had become an adult, but I would not compromise on who I married in order to be married. So waiting to meet Gary had tried my patience. Yet it turned out to be the best things that ever happened to me. For during my years with him, I have experienced the greatest of joys and the deepest of sorrows.

    Age 36-42 I meandered through life. The biggest question I had to make was whether to have a child or not. We tried. It didn't happen. So the next biggest decision was whether to go to any lengths to have a child. The answer? Nah! End of story.

    From age 40-46 I continued to climb the corporate ladder and finally in 1998 I became the Human Resources Manager for the Denver Division. It was what I had been working towards for many years. I worked lots of long hours, we went on lots of great vacations, and we bought land in the mountains to eventually build a cabin. Our dreams were all coming true. I also discovered Unity teachings during this period in my life and they opened a new avenue of spirituality to me that has served me very well now for many years. Then in 2001 I applied for and was chosen to be an HR Manager in Kazakhstan. Gary was all for it. I would make lots of money, we could travel on my off time (I worked 28 days on and 28 days off), and it would be an incredible experience. So off I went on my great adventure not realizing that while I was gone my husband would implode. The years between age 47 and 51 became very trying and difficult due to my husband's binge drinking (four major drunks in one year, then 2.5 yrs sober only to binge drink again until it killed him). But inside those years were also some incredible times, especially our trips to Spain, Hawaii, Italy, and a wonderful cruise to Mexico. But the stress took a huge toll on my body and when, in 2005 my husband died from complications due to his drinking, I had high blood pressure, osteoporosis, high cholesterol, and was the heaviest I had ever weighed. Yet, spiritually I was more balanced and knew myself better than I ever had in my life. Thank God. Because the next year of grieving my husband while starting a psychotherapy practice was very difficult and without my faith I'm not sure where I'd be today. Since then I have grown in leaps and bounds and now live life to the fullest, stay in the moments, and am not afraid to risk to get what I want. Ironically, I have those difficult years to thank for giving me the confidence to live in the freedom I live today.

    So what will the next 18 years bring? Without a crystal ball I have no idea. But I do know that Florida, writing and a life partner are all part of that future. I also know I'm looking forward to it with excitement and enthusiasm. I hope you'll come along.

FROM LOST TO BLOSSOMING

Yesterday I reviewed the first 18 years of my life. Today the saga continues through age 36. The highlights of those years?

Moved to Florida and started college at 18, dropped out at 20 (I was lost)

Moved to Portland, OR, went back to school (I was lost)

Both my parents died within 5 days of each other at age 22 (I was really lost)

Joined the army at age 23, moved to Germany, left the army at age 26 and moved to Houston (still lost)

Started working for Texaco in Human Resources (still lost)

Returned to school and FINALLY got my degree after going to 5 college (still lost but getting better)

Bought my first house at age 31 (sort of lost)

Found my spiritual path by age 32(budding)

Met my prince at age 33, married him at age 35 (budding)

Continued to work for Texaco, climbing the corporate ladder (starting to blossom)

Moved to Denver at age 36 (blossoming)

Today, as I explore the signposts of my life I see that during these middle years my main focus was on growing outwardly, into the external world. My path was the American dream. College degree, career, house, marriage. Yet internally I was emotionally lost. I had an inkling of the girl inside but didn't know how to let her out. I was too busy judging her and what others might think of her to see how precious she was. I spent so much time and energy running from her because she was "different" from the status quo and in my mind being "different" was bad. But alas, that "girl" wouldn't stay silent for long and poked her head out once in awhile to say, "Here I am world." Then the imposter, the person I thought I should be, stuffed her back into the closets until the next time she escaped. Finally, by the time I was 32, my faith in a Higher Power began to blossom, opening me to the world of spiritual growth that helped me discern what was true for me and what were distortions that no longer served me well.

Tomorrow, I will assess in the next 18 years of my life how, with much water and fertilizer, I've bloomed into the person I am today.

To be continued……

THIS IS MY LIFE

    I am three days away from making a major shift in my life, even if just for a few months. At moments like these I am reminded that an occasional review of my life assists me in assessing where I've been, what patterns have shifted and what patterns may still need to shift. So over the next three days, I will take a quick life review by dividing my age into three. Review #1: birth to eighteen.

    As Charles Dickens wrote in A Tale of Two Cities, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..."

    It was more memories than you will ever want to know. It was memories of deaths, embarrassments and joys.

    The big deaths? My paternal grandmother when I was six (don't remember her but remember the time around her funeral because my mother was bedridden due to menopause side effects). My 6 yr old neighbor when I was seven (he was a twin and his stitches came out after a tonsillectomy and he bled to death). I'm still a little afraid of stitches. My maternal grandmother when I was 15. I was never close to her and I felt no sadness when she died. But I felt guilty because I felt no sadness. Although my mother tried to assure me it was okay, I carried that guilt with me for several more years. It was a lesson on honoring my feelings for what they are, just feelings that come and go. My best friend's sister in a car accident when I was fifteen. The poem's my friend wrote afterwards were haunting and beautiful and helped me understand the pain and sorrow of death in a new way. Although I have become more comfortable with death, it still looms out in the future, frightening me occasionally.

    Embarrassments? In first grade, when the nun forced me to eat the hotdog and I made myself throw up. I'm still not fond of hotdogs. Plus I believe this was my first big "lie." Coming in as runner-up in cheerleading tryouts. From that incident I allowed myself to feel like a runner-up for years to come. I have worked hard to clear that crazy thought from my mind and today I no longer think like a runner-up. A boy once said, "Oh yuck," when he saw me after someone tried to set us up. That incident haunted me for years, as I thought I was too ugly for boys to like me. Today, the emotion of that moment is gone but I still remember the distorted conclusions I came to at the time and feel sorrow for that young girl and her insecurities. My father's drinking. Although there is not one incident that sticks out in my mind, it was the "secret" of it that bothered me. Over the years I learned that it's the "secrets" that will kill us.

    Joys? Being the flower girl in my sister's wedding, the bicycle I got for Christmas, my uncle, who lived in Japan, riding with me that next summer, the Operations game, hours and hours spent wandering the woods at our cabin, swimming in the lake, my dog and I whiling away the hours at the train trestle creek, leaving Catholic school behind, playing coronet in the band, vice president in honor society, singing with Madrigals at all the basketball games, playing Bloody Mary in South Pacific, vacations to Florida, long hours hanging with my girlfriends trying to solve the world's problems, journalism class, yearbook ad sales, moving to Florida with my parents after high school.

    These are just a highlight of the inexhaustible memories tuck inside my mind. Now looking back I can see patterns I have released. The lying (I was notorious for it in elementary school) and the insecurity (staring in the mirror as a teenager and coming up wanting). One's I still need to work on? The stubbornness (still hate to admit I'm wrong) and the independence (still have trouble asking for help although I am getting better at it). My favorite pattern I want to maintain? My positive attitude for which I thank my parents. Someone once called me Pollyanna and it took me years to realize it was a compliment (although they didn't mean it that way). Now I call it Faith and relish the strength it gave me through the good, the bad and the ugly. It still does.

    Tomorrow? Eighteen to Thirty six. See you then.......

NIGHTMARES

    Popping up from a dead sleep, Sierra's heart pounded against her ears like the percussion section of a marching band. Someone was in her room. Watching her. "Who's there?" she whispered. Silence. A slight tremor shook the bed. Footsteps shuffled across the carpet. "I know someone's there?" Her voice trembling like an old woman. Tick tock went the grandfather clock downstairs. No other sound. As if death had come to visit, a cold finger grazed her arm. A blood curdling scream climbed through her throat trying to escape only to be muffled behind a massive hand. Squirming to break free, shivers raced across her spine. "Oh my God," she cried into her panicked mind. "They've come back. They've come for me again!"

PEACE

    "Peace is flowing like a river. Flowing out of you and me. Spreading out into the desert. Setting all the captives free." Anonymous

    The word today is Peace. In the three inspirational books I read this morning, Peace was the theme. Obviously, peace is what I am to focus on today. I am at peace. It's addicting. When awareness notifies me I have misplaced my peace, I do whatever it takes to find it again. Most of the time that just means letting go....of fear, pride, anger, attachments. What does peace mean to me?

    Participating in awareness

    Every moment of the day

    Allowing myself to let go as I

    Co-create on my way, then I sit back and...

    Enjoy

    In the words of John Lennon, "All we are saying is give peace a chance." I think I'll give peace a chance today!

TIME TO RECOGNIZE MY POWER

    For several days now I've been debating on whether to send my book, Kiva and the Stone Nation, to other literary agents while I wait for a response to the one who has it now. For some reason I've had this unconscious belief that only one agent would want to sell my book. This morning I realized that I was limiting myself with this belief. Wouldn't it be nice if I sent it out to several agents and I had 2 or 3 who wanted to represent me. When that occurs I can choose the one that is most successful and also passionate about my work. After this revelation came to me I opened up a spiritual reading and this is what I saw: "Remember who you are: You are made in the image and likeness of your Creator....Don't be afraid of your power, your magnificence, or your wisdom."

    For so many years I have believed that life is something God gives me instead of my current belief that I co-create my life with God. After I changed this belief I had to ask myself, "What do I want my life to be?" Now that I have a good image of where I have come from, where I am, and where I want to go, it's time to take possession of it. Today I recognize my power and step into it.

SIMPLE PLEASURES

    The simple pleasures of life. Coffee from a French press, a crackling fire, the sound of the furnace heating my home, the spicy scent of the diffuser, nowhere to go on a cold, snowy day, blueberry pancakes, an evening with great friends, electricity to power my computer, facebook to catch up with my friends, my silly dog hiding in the basement because of the crackling fire from wood too green to burn, anticipation of a wonderful holiday season, money in the bank, a healthy body and so many blessings I could stay here all day writing them down. To be continued.....

GRATITUDE

    Sometimes I let the contrasts in life be my focus and forget how in sync I am with my inner self. Honoring and focusing on who I am brings me peace and joy. When I stay in the moment and am mindful of what is going on inside me and around me, gratitude can't help but overflow. As I stood in my kitchen this morning making my wonderful omelet with onion, tomato, broccoli and cheese, I thanked my Creator for giving me a flexible lifestyle that allows me to get up in the morning, make coffee in my French press, feed my animals, take my vitamins, meditate, walk my dog and create and devour any breakfast my taste buds desire. How blessed am I? Beyond words. Thank you God for I am truly grateful!

LETTING GO OF THE CONTINGENCIES

I’m excited because I learned something new about myself today. This was a true AHA moment. I was listening to a workshop on Law of Attraction on my I-pod. This particular speaker believes (as do I) that we are in this world to be co-creators with Source. Unfortunately, through our conditioning since birth we’ve forgotten this concept. In this belief, when we have true desires, they are information about the direction that is right for us. These desires begin as thoughts that turn into energy that either manifests for us or are placed into vibrational escrow (a holding pattern) until we are ready to receive them. But we’re the only ones who can make ourselves ready. So what I’ve been relearning over the past few years is how to make myself ready to receive my desires in physical form. This requires aligning my “feelings” (or vibrations) with the new manifestations before I receive them and then I draw them to me.

Ever since I heard about the Law of Attraction several years ago, I’ve been practicing it and the life I live today was created from my past desires, which when I turned towards and focused on them the law brought to me. Right now I’m in the process of creating my future based on my current desires. One of these areas is to share my life with a partner. And although I’ve known, since not long after my husband died, that I desire having another life partner, I also have known I was not ready to invite someone into my life yet. In essence, the desire has been sitting in vibrational escrow waiting for me. So over the last four years I’ve begun aligning my feelings towards meeting someone, knowing that I still had some grieving to do and that I also wanted to enjoy being alone for awhile. Recently I realized I was ready for this new person in my life. But then I became impatient and began thinking about “what if” I don’t meet anyone, what will I do, where will I live, how will I handle life alone. The big AHA I had today as I listened to the workshop was that by thinking about and creating these “contingencies” I’m actually blocking the manifestation from happening because contingencies mean I don’t completely believe. As I listened I went, “WOW!” Now, as is my typical response after having an AHA moment, I’m chewing on this new perspective and it will take me a few days to shape it and move it and incorporate it into what I feel and do.

On a lighter note, this concept reminds me of an old joke I once heard about a person who falls off a cliff and grabs a spindly little branch that keeps them from plunging five hundred feet to their certain death. As they hang on for dear life they call for help. A booming voice calls to them from above and says, “Let Go.” The person asks, “Who are you?” The voice says, “I am God. Let go and I’ll catch you.” The person thinks about what God says for a minute then calls up, “Is there anyone else up there?”

In my situation the branch is my contingencies. Today I learned it’s time to let go of the branch and let Source catch me.

SAVOR

    SAVOR: to give oneself to the enjoyment of. In each moment today, I plan to SAVOR the moment, enjoying everything that happens in me and around me. Hope you'll join me!

"I AM A PART OF YOU. YOU ARE ALL OF ME"

    I often forget, throughout the course of a day, that spirituality isn't something I do on Sunday morning at church, or just in the morning when I meditate. Spirituality is the cornerstone of my being. I am the outward expression of the Creator. I remember hearing a song at church one day that has stayed with me for many years and epitomizes this truth. The refrain goes, "I am a part of you. You are all of me." Everything I do today, whether positive or negative, happy or sad, fun or work, is God experiencing and expressing through me. So today, I want to remember that EVERYTHING I am and EVERYTHING I do is spiritual. As an ancient eastern saying goes, "Before enlightenment chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment chop wood, carry water." Let's chop our wood and carry our water today with the conscious awareness that we are, in every moment, an extension of Omnipotent Source.

HO'OPONOPONO

    I feel so much better today because I was able to let go of some anger yesterday. I performed Ho'oponopono, as I try to do every morning before I get out of bed. This is a forgiveness technique I learned from Huna (the ancient spiritual beliefs of the Hawaiians). It begins with asking God to fill me with love, then I visualize bringing all the people I have been in contact with the day before, onto a stage as I hover above it. I visualize the energy chord that attached between us when we interacted. Through this chord I send them the love God has filled in me and watch as they fill with that same love. Then I say "I forgive you, please forgive me too" to each person until I feel like anything that may be off balance in our relationship with them is corrected. After this, I visualize a giant sword coming down out of the sky and severing the chord and I wish the people well as they float away to God. With this technique I make my relationships "right" every day.

 

LETTING GO

    Today I have been feeling just about every emotion in the book, but the most distinct of these has been melancholy. Melancholy over a friendship that has seen better days and melancholy over a life that is changing. I realize that often we grow apart from certain friends and although our gratitude and our memories of those people will stay with us forever, being in a relationship with them no longer serves our greater good. In the same vein, I also have to let go of the life I know today in order to step in the direction of the one that is right for me. I'm okay feeling the melancholy. I just want to acknowledge it as a healthy part of letting go. Good news is that after the melancholy comes peace.

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE

    Yesterday as I swam I found my mind wandering to all the "things" I needed to do or all the "things" I wanted in my future. Then I reminded myself I was getting caught up in the world of "things" so I decided the easiest way to turn from the world of "things" was to think of something that transcends "things." The word that popped into my head was Love. So every time my mind wandered back to "things" I would just say Love. That simple little word made me physically, mentally and emotionally feel good every time I said it. That's when I realized the word Love always makes me feel good. So I'm going to try this exercise over the next few days. Every time I find my thoughts heading down a slippery slope, I'm going to say "Love." Let's see if it continues to create this good sensation.

    Today, thinking about this subject it reminds me of the Beatles song "All You Need Is Love." I started singing it and realized how simple yet how ingenious the lyrics are. But then I've always thought John Lennon, in his final years, was a prophet. So below are the lyrics to this song. If you want to follow my little experiment, maybe we can intersperse the word Love with this song to keep us feeling good.

"There's nothing you can do that can't be done, Nothin' you can sing that can't be sung, Nothin' you can say, but you can learn how to play the game, It's easy...

Nothin' you can make that can't be made, No one you can save that can't be saved, Nothin' you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time, It's easy...

All you need is love, All you need is love, All you need is love, love, Love is all you need (x2)

Nothin' you can know that isn't known, Nothin' you can see that isn't shown
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be, It's easy...

All you need is love, All you need is love, All you need is love, love, Love is all you need

All you need is love (All together now), All you need is love (Everybody), All you need is love, love
Love is all you need" The Beatles, 1967

KIVA AND THE STONE NATION

    Today I would like to share with you excerpts from a children's book I have written called, Kiva and the Stone Nation. Hope you enjoy!

    I shot away from the table. My legs barely skimmed the surface of the floor. They sickened me. I had to get away. I sped through the living room, slammed through the front door, and escaped into the yard. Through tear-streaked eyes, I stomped towards the stream, my entire focus on the entrance to the forbidden land. A haunting voice called to me. "You will be free here." My blood boiled as I crossed the water and disappeared behind the damp, shadowy guards. The massive stones gobbled me up as if they were starving lions biting into a morsel of meat. Without a backward glance my adrenaline fueled limbs sprinted into the cool evening air. "I'll show them!"

    Minutes passed and I ran on. My legs and ankles began to throb, yet I paid little attention. I darted over boulders, deadwood and shrubs like a graceful gazelle in the African grasslands. Stones grazed past me, streams splashed at my feet yet my rage-powered legs plowed through the canyon, attacking dozens of hills as if they had been built by ants. Farther and farther away I ran with no idea of my final destination. Time stood still as my growing anger chased me like a cougar stalking its prey. All I wanted was to leave behind the pain of my miserable life. All my hard work to make Jennifer like me had been ruined by my parents' stubbornness. As tears streaked my face my legs pushed on, increasing the distance between me and the horrible creatures destroying my life.

    I was oblivious to time and blinded to the golden light as it polished the mountainside with soft ambers and gold. The last rays of the evening sun had kissed the rocks, grass and flowers goodnight. Time passed and evening shadows brightened the colors of dusk as the temperature dropped. The sun disappeared behind the Rocky Mountains yet my misery hid the chills that had arrived. I raced on.

Exhaustion outpaced me and soon my legs were screaming for oxygen. I tumbled to the ground as they lost their last ounce of strength. Sobs wracked my body as hot tears scarred my face. My fists pounded into the earth. "No, they have to let me go home. If I don't go to this party my life will be ruined."

A frightened rabbit, witnessing my tantrum, scurried into the blackness, his white cotton tail bobbing swiftly behind. Broad thumping feet drove his tiny form through thick brush as terror fueled his downhill race towards freedom from the mad human.

Aches pounded my muscles. My energy was shot. As my temper tantrum continued, screams echoed deep into the empty spaces of the forest. In time, my voice grew hoarse ending my shrieks. Every muscle screamed for air. My throat gagged. My stomach emptied its contents. Worn-out, laying inches from my dinner's remains, my muscles froze. My lungs begged for air and the lack of oxygen momentarily blinded me. I willed my breathing to slow and my eyes cleared and focused on the area in front of me. I was wrapped in a giant green blanket of long needles gently swaying in the evening breeze. Blinking between the branches, a lone twinkling star hugged a dark grayish sky.

"Oh my God, it's almost dark. I have to go back."

I braced my legs to stand up, then tumbled back, my head slapping hard against the cold ground. Crawling a few feet on hands and knees, I grabbed a nearby stone, balanced myself and shimmied up the side. As the heaviness of my body reached full length, my legs buckled and again I fell forward. My arms kissed the sandpaper surface of the rock. "Ouch!" I slid down its rough side. Luckily, soft brown needles padded my fall. Leaning my back against the hard, chilled surface, my head fell into my hands and my drained tear ducts strained with empty sobs.

"What am I going to do?" The words hung in the cool night air as shivers raced through my body. Dark shadows stirred from the missing sun and I panicked. Goose bumps speckled my arms and legs and my brain swirled out of control until one lone thought fueled my fear.

I was lost.

Lying still, I drew deep breathes to calm the panic rising in my throat. Stomach juices gurgled. Dread pressed at me like a hundred pound weight. Every movement in the trees, every rustle of the wind played tricks on my mind, as bears and mountain lions crept through the brush in search of a tasty human morsel. Visions of my bloodied and half eaten body turned shivers into giant trembles. The cold ground increased the chills. With one last effort I balanced my hand over the stone and pulled with all my might. I was upright.

Holding tight, I glanced left, then right---then behind. I circled around and around wishing the view to change as my panic returned, but no familiar landmarks, buildings or objects magically appeared. Dizziness swallowed me and I sank to the ground.

Shivers raced up and down my back as monsters stared at me from behind every tree. I was confused and terrified and I screamed into the darkness. "So where is that stupid Great Spirit now, Hotta?"

A silent mist suddenly drifted from the outer blackness, swirling and bouncing as it wrapped me in a blanket of yellow shadows. The mysterious bright fog sent my heart racing, yet as it circled my body it calmed me. Then my stomach growled and I wondered if hunger could cause hallucinations.

    "Whoo, whoo ah whoo, whoo ah whoo," stabbed the night's silence. I froze. Every nerve in my body lit up in panic.

 

HIND SIGHT IS 20/20

This morning I read a section in a book about a couple who were going through some very tough times. Luckily, they were able to bounce back from the difficulty and recapture their love for and enjoyment with each other. The author stated that while they were having the difficulties they knew something was wrong but they were in denial. The word denial jumped out at me because I often have clients who use that word as a way to beat themselves up for not doing something different at the time.

As the old saying goes, “Hind sight is 20/20.” I look back on my own marriage, or even the depressed moments or difficulties in my life and think, I knew something was wrong, yet still I didn’t act. I was in denial. So was this denial wrong?

My unequivocal answer is NO! I believe we are all doing our best from the vantage point and the tools we have at that moment. I don’t believe anyone wakes up in the morning and says, “I’m going to be less than who I am right now.” I’ve known things were “not quite right,” in my past and then later realized how even more screwed up things were than I originally thought. So why didn’t I do something about it at the time? Usually it was for one of four reasons: Either I thought it was an anomaly (which is often a thought we have when we’re going through something for the first time), or I didn’t want to “make a fuss,” (because I was taught to “suck it up” when things are tough), or I just didn’t know what to do at that moment so inaction was better than going off half cocked , or I knew the solution but it was so painful I wasn’t ready to go there yet.

What stands out for me when I exam anything in hind sight is that whatever the reason for my inaction, I want to see it for what it was, doing the best I can at that moment in time. Then if I am still angry about it I can forgive myself and move on. Because whether I don’t know what else to do or I am confused about a problem’s significance or whatever the reason, I am always doing the best I can at any moment in time and that’s all that counts. So instead of beating myself up for being “in denial,” I’m going to look back and say, “Hurray for me, I worked my way out of a difficult situation when the time was right and I was able to see the best solution for me.”

I'LL PLACE MY BET ON THE POSITIVE

    I'm in transition, have been for the past four years since my husband died. As I've created this new life for myself, I've had some moments of sadness, along with many moments of joy. With each, I've learned more and more about who I am. I am now on the verge of something totally new. I'm not sure what, but I can feel a change coming and intuitively I know that when I look back in a few years, my life will be much different than it is today. Along with this "gut" feeling has come some anxiousness about the mysterious details of my future. For weeks now I've been trying to alleviate these anxious feelings, but today I decided to ask myself a different question. Is anxiousness so bad? In the true sense of the word, it is not.

    In the dictionary it states that "anxious" is an adjective and means being full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune. But it can also mean to be earnestly desirous and eager.

    Having this information now helps me assess my reaction to the unknown future. I can be anxious about it with either fear or eagerness. The difference has to do with whether I see my future in a positive light or a negative one. Since I don't have a crystal ball, there's at least a 50% chance I will be right either way. But if I go back and review my life, I realize in all my transitions over the years 80% have had positive outcomes and 20% have had negative outcomes (although in the long run even the negatives have turned positive in some way).

    So the lesson I've learned by dissecting my anxiousness is that when I start to feel anxious, I'm going to remind myself that it can be either fear based or eagerness based. But since the odds are in my favor that a positive outcome is on the way, I think I'll place my bet on the positive and be anxious about my future with desire and eagerness.

RAMPAGE OF APPRECIATION

    I've been having bouts of waking up too early in the morning. Often they are caused by night sweats, which means that I've been eating too much sugar (which I must admit I have been lax about lately). But the strange issue is that when I wake up I have a strong feeling of panic about lack of money. Now I'm not rich by any means but I'm also not destitute and over the last few years have practice my belief in the law of attraction, which so far has worked. Occasionally I let my ego-based fears get the better of me, usually sometime during the daylight hours, but what's going on in my dreams to cause these anxious feelings first thing in the morning baffles me.

    So here's what I have done the last few mornings and what I'm going to implement before I go to sleep at night from here on out. I'm practicing a technique I learned from the Abraham-Hicks book, Ask and It Is Given, called Rampage of Appreciation. When I awaken and recognize the anxious feeling, I acknowledge that I am fearful. I don't judge it but let it be what it is, then in my head, I begin a gratitude list. This morning at 4:30 a.m. it took me about ten minutes to go back to sleep and I slept another 2 hours. So now I've decided that tonight before I go to bed, I will try the Rampage of Appreciation before I turn out the light. Maybe if I focus in gratitude for what I have, right before falling asleep, I will wake up in the morning with a feeling of prosperity instead of a feeling of lack. I'll keep you posted!

STEP INTO THE WHEELBARROW & ENJOY THE RIDE

I like to believe that I live an egoless life. But unfortunately it sometimes rears its ugly head. This morning was one of those moments. I allowed my ego to focus on the future and create anxiety in me. Luckily, once I was aware of what was happening, I knew what I needed to do. Climb back into the wheelbarrow and let go.

So what does the wheelbarrow have to do with ego and anxiety? It comes from a story I once heard narrated by a very entertaining and inspiring priest. He described how he went to a circus with a friend and in the middle of the performance an acrobat appeared, and walked across a very high wire. Then he rode a unicycle across it before bringing out a wheelbarrow and pushing it across the wire. Soon a pretty assistant appeared and proceeded to sit in the wheelbarrow. The priest said to his friend, "Do you believe he can push her across that wire?" The friend said, "Yes. Intellectually I believe it, but if I trusted him and had true faith in him, I would get into that wheelbarrow myself."

The message I heard that day, five years ago, has had a profound effect on me. For I can believe in God, I can even believe in letting go and letting God direct my life, but until I actually get into the wheelbarrow and let go, all I have is intellectual belief. True faith is in getting in and letting God push. So today, I let go of my ego and trust that God, in all Her omnipotence, knows the direction that is best for me. All I have to do is step into the wheelbarrow and let go, then sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.

BALANCE

    Balance, like a teeter totter is hard to maintain. Yin and Yang, Masculine and Feminine, Logic and Emotions, Right Brain and Left Brain, Doing and Being. What is the right amount at the right time? I think I want to "do" more but I don't know what that "more" is. So at a time like this I feel I need to just "be". Meditation is the being, reading inspirational messages is the doing. Today I do and be. Balance.