HIND SIGHT IS 20/20

This morning I read a section in a book about a couple who were going through some very tough times. Luckily, they were able to bounce back from the difficulty and recapture their love for and enjoyment with each other. The author stated that while they were having the difficulties they knew something was wrong but they were in denial. The word denial jumped out at me because I often have clients who use that word as a way to beat themselves up for not doing something different at the time.

As the old saying goes, “Hind sight is 20/20.” I look back on my own marriage, or even the depressed moments or difficulties in my life and think, I knew something was wrong, yet still I didn’t act. I was in denial. So was this denial wrong?

My unequivocal answer is NO! I believe we are all doing our best from the vantage point and the tools we have at that moment. I don’t believe anyone wakes up in the morning and says, “I’m going to be less than who I am right now.” I’ve known things were “not quite right,” in my past and then later realized how even more screwed up things were than I originally thought. So why didn’t I do something about it at the time? Usually it was for one of four reasons: Either I thought it was an anomaly (which is often a thought we have when we’re going through something for the first time), or I didn’t want to “make a fuss,” (because I was taught to “suck it up” when things are tough), or I just didn’t know what to do at that moment so inaction was better than going off half cocked , or I knew the solution but it was so painful I wasn’t ready to go there yet.

What stands out for me when I exam anything in hind sight is that whatever the reason for my inaction, I want to see it for what it was, doing the best I can at that moment in time. Then if I am still angry about it I can forgive myself and move on. Because whether I don’t know what else to do or I am confused about a problem’s significance or whatever the reason, I am always doing the best I can at any moment in time and that’s all that counts. So instead of beating myself up for being “in denial,” I’m going to look back and say, “Hurray for me, I worked my way out of a difficult situation when the time was right and I was able to see the best solution for me.”